okay, time to reshuffle my life once again.
this time, its no more poly (sobs).
so i shall change it to JC, HERE I COME!
i feel like i've been living a lie all this while.
and it totally sucks because you feel cheated and that you've wasted your time believing in things that were never what you thought they were.

i wonder who's to blame.
maybe its me, because i took so long to find out these things.
but then again the right opportunity was never given to me.
considering the fact that i got brushed off at my first attempt to see a lecturer,
and spoke to someone who seemed like he didn't really know what was going on at the open house,
so i don't really think i'm at fault that much.
or maybe i'm just living in self-denial again.
well, so much for "YAY I'M GOING TO POLY TO FINALLY DO SOMETHING THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO" and "GOODBYE ACJC".
i'm back to square one. again.
but at least i've already made up my mind to take the JC route,
since its apparently easier to do veterinary science next time (though i still don't see how).
ohwell, i already told myself that i have to be prepared to make sacrifices in order to achieve my dream of becoming a veterinarian.
and this is one of it.
WHY COULDN'T THERE BE A COURSE ON VETERINARY SCIENCE!
life would be so much easier for me.

i wonder if ACJC will take me in. i wonder.
i think my chances are quite slim.
if only i hadn't been living in the bubble of believing that i'd be going to poly,
AND STUDIED HARDER.
but no regrets, rachel. no regrets.

i also wonder what God has in store for me.
i hope its something exciting.
i've come to realise that everytime i feel as if i have my life in control,
God turns me around and gives me a wake-up call and tells me something like,
"helloooo rachel its not you who's running your life. it's ME."
after all, the Bible says in Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
which i think is what i kinda failed to see when i was living my lie.
i am such a fool.

anyway i'll be needing your prayers once again!
but no longer for my enrolment into poly.
now it'll be that hopefully God wants me to be in ACJC!
or CJC if really cannot.
SRJC would be my last choice hahaha.

anyway, i'm so happy that brian is back from BMT!
although its for only the weekend, i'm still so happy to see him again.
its like the other half of me has returned.
it really wasn't fun at all being the only child..
so you could just imagine my happiness and excitement to have my brother back again.
it was good to have someone to talk to on a teenager level again,
someone who spoke my 'lingo' at home,
someone who sat next to me in the car,
someone sleeping in the room next to mine,
someone to look up to,
and most of all, someone to call my brother again.
not like i disowned him or anything (haha)..
but when i went to spas' house on thursday night for rob's farewell party,
i couldn't help but keep thinking of how much fun brian would be having if he were here,
hanging out with his pals like the old time.
well he'll be going back to tekong tomorrow night,
but i'm just glad that i could see him again.

speaking to you on the phone that day really made me cheer up.
from breaking down into tears to talking animatedly like my real self.
you probably didn't realise it, but it was you who made me feel like my real self again.
so thankyou, from the very bottom of my heart. (:

with my rifle and my buddy and ME.