a part of me died when i lost you.

A Lonely September - Plain White T's


The song speaks for itself. It's scary how this song is so apt. Really scary. Like almost 98% of the lyrics apply to me. Sad, sigh. Haha, Dud and I can really go row in our K2 canoe together down our river of tears.

I'm sitting here all by myself
Just trying to think of something to do
Trying to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind

```

Met up with Sab after work today to see how she was doing after her minor eye op.. Seems like she's doing perfectly fine! Apart from her angsty rant about the eye specialist who tended to her (haha).. She brought me to eat at Astons! Which is really quite good and cheap. Didn't have the steak, though, got no money haha. But it looked really good. Sab brought me to her new house too and I really like it! Played interior designer and helped her decide where to put her bed, desk etc. in her room. Omg I really like her new place! Can't wait for her to move in, then I can go and sleep over! There's like a swimming pool and a tennis court too! The place spells so much fun. (: Plus, Astons is nearby so we can go there for dinner or whatever. Lol! Went back to her old place after that to play with Salem and bum around. Salem is so cute, I swear. She kept sucking my hand and purring haha! And pouncing around the room. What a self-entertaining kitten. (:

Spent two and a half hours on the phone with Danielle last night.. She told me many many things that're happening in her life. I'm so happy that she's made so many new and great friends! Especially her group of fellow Draco OGLs.. Makes me wish I had promoted and been an OGL alongside her, you know, fooling around like last year. But ohwell things change I guess. At least we're still in contact and keeping up with each other's lives! I love hearing her stories - they're so exciting. Helps me relive the days in SR. I miss you Danielle!

It's exactly a week from my eighteenth! Omg I am so not ready. x/

It's my best bud's birthday today! So...




Happy Birthday Shawn Yeo Hui Ming! ❤❤

Many happy returns of the day! This will be the equivalent of your birthday text since your phone rejects any text I send that's more than a page long. (: Anyway omg you're (n) years old (shan't disclose your age here HAHA)! So old! Hehe, but I shall quote Raveen: "Old is gold". :D So technically you're (n) years worth of gold! Wow not bad haha quite rich eh someone. (: I can't believe I've known you for my whole life! Come to think of it, you're kind of like a hand-me-down from Brian! LOL since he was your ex-bestie! Haha okay okay shan't harp on that shall we? He still loves you la okay, though he's got Puay already lol. Anyway I wouldn't know what I'd do without you, man! I think I take you for granted sometimes because you're always there for me! And I'm SORRY I thought you were in the reserved team in rugby last time, but you really can't blame me because you're so skinny compared to the typical rugger! But yes, my best bud is so blessed with so many talents - rugy, fencing, dancing, painting, drawing, designing and much more! You cool la, k? (: Hopefully I'll be around to celebrate your (n+1) birthday next year, though I don't think I will.. ): But rest assured that your best bud will be celebrating it for you from Down Under! Hope you had fun today, bumming around at your place! Enjoy the last few hours of your very special day! Most importantly, continue your walk with God! Be a good example to your lil Sec1 kids in church. (: I thank God that you're my dear friend, Shawn! Love you! ❤

prayed; 10:19 PM

I'm 1 week 5 days away from my eighteenth birthday. That's less than 2 weeks away ZOMG. I'm getting old too fast. ):

After that I'll be so old that I won't need a guardian with me in australia. That IS pretty old. haha ohmy. Speaking of australia, my parents told me that I have to make a list of the things that I need (and want) to bring there with me soon. Which means that my leaving is approaching too. I wish I could ship my whole room over. So much easier haha. I wonder if I'm allowed to bring over my soft toys.. My monkey is definately coming with me. The one that Geor gave me many years ago, that looks like a termite (according to my dad). I don't think I'll be able to live without it. And it has shown the first signs of disintegrating! I had to patch up the 2 holes that appeared on its neck. I have a feeling Kiera had a role in that, stupid dog. Haven't decided if Ben the elephant will come with me. Initial promise was that I'll definately bring him. But now I don't know if he'll give me the comfort and assurance that he was meant to give me. Maybe Brian will let me bring Bicky along! That giant brinjal I gave him for his birthday a few years ago but later adopted because Bicky was getting neglected. Okay this is insane, I think. I just spent a whole paragraph talking about my soft toys like they're my friends. This is what no school does to you - it rots your brain. HAHA.

Anyway, I really do hope my parents get me a Mac Book for me to use in Australia. (I hope I don't sound like some materialistic spoilt brat) I know I have to get a laptop of some kind because I'll need to use it there for work and stuff! And especially to keep in contact with everyone back home. Besides, the new Mac Book is so sexy, sleek and stylish that I can't take my eyes off it. I'm serious, it's fantastic gorgeous! Just look at it!


I seriously think its the epitome of sleek


Even the keypad is sexy!

I know I should be thankful that my parents are getting me a laptop in the first place, but I shall take this chance to be a typical spoilt kid and cross and fingers and hope that they'll agree to a Mac Book! I have, after all, given up hopes of changing my phone to anything, much less the Samsung SGH-G400 that I was eyeing. Haha I couldn't help but dream about getting that lovely phone. So, phone dream gone, back to the Mac! I'll be the happiest girl alive if I do get one. Haha then Poddy my iPod won't be so lonely anymore!

Okay Racheltan's materialistic rant shall end here.

Met up with Shawn yesterday for dinner! He came over before that to take Kiera for a walk. Stupid guy ended up complaining about the rope burns Kiera was giving him. Retard. Well Shawn, I don't think I'm sorry if those rope burns affect the chances of your modelling career. HAHA. :D Played arcade! That idiot beat me in Bishi Bashi. But I think I really do suck at that game :( Then we played Spot the Difference! Brought back memories from last year when he, Faith and I spent hours on that game on his birthday. (: (: Shawn felt rich so he wasted $2 on that stupid toy machine that cheats you of your money. I just stood one side with a smug look that said, "I told you so" when he didn't win anything. He could've just given me the $2, sheesh.

Ate at Cafe Cartel! My poor wallet! ): But well, the food was nice. And we had a corner all of ourselves! Thankfully, too, because I think we'd offend people with our noise HAHA. Saw some J1s who were ex-Cedarians.. One of them was my badminton junior too! But they were making so much noise that I got irritated. Sab reminded me that its typical Cedarian behaviour but I think they were too much. I think I sound old and cranky lol. Okay, irritating noisy table of ex-Cedarians aside, I enjoyed my time with that stupid bugger who happens to be my best bud. Haha yeah I did. And I realise that I'll really miss him when I go to Australia! Though he'll most probably forget me once his NS starts. Hahah whatever. His birthday's this Saturday! Like omg la I haven't had any inspiration as to what to get and make for him. Apart from the usual picture that I print out for him.. He wants something that will remind him of me. The best thing I can come up with now is a picture of a capybara. HAHA. But back to my problem, I think I'll most probably end up giving him a belated present. Hopefully I don't lose motivation to make his present nice!

Brian's out at Zouk with his officer friends. Gee I didn't even know he goes to Zouk! I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. Anyway my parents hardly paid him any attention when he left just now.. My mum even said, "See you in the morning!" Like omg la why can't I get that kind of freedom! Excluding the obvious facts like I'm younger, and am a girl, I can't help but think that he got more freedom than what I get when he was my age. Phfft. I hate restrictions.

Work was fine today. Managed the registration counter with Mel for awhile! It was a good break from the mundane task of scanning documents. I don't even know why I'm blogging about work. It's so boring.

Well, I realise that having nothing to do at home but be on the computer makes me want to blog more. And therefore I have many posts under Feburary 2oo9! Haha makes me feel kind of... Loser-ish. Like I have nothing better to do. Which is true, though, I don't have anything else to do. Ahwell! Haha, amusing.

```

If you only knew.

went to the park with sab too! with kiera.

THIS IS GOING OUT TO LEEYUSIN THE FROGGIE!

thankyou so so very much dear for patiently listening to my very fickle decisions and making this new background for me!
it's so green - i like! :D

oh, and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY everyone!
♥ ♥

just last night, i realised that i had 10 mosquito bites on my left arm alone.
that's freaky omg i didn't even notice them before.
so i think the mozzies in my room have a fetish for my left arm.
gross.

went back to school on wednesday for a visit!
felt good to go back after such a long time..
as usual stupid tiff was late.
it's really heartening to know that someone is worse than me out there haha!
anyway i had lunch with my ex-classmates, danielle included!
crazy girl almost knocked me over in her enthusiasm to greet me.
haha i think her being an OGL has made her crazier.
i don't know whether to be happy or worried for her about that LOL.
i finally managed to take a look at the j1s!
and they're nothing much. haha.
had a great time surprising friends with my visit.
and i hope they like my valentine's day cookies i made for them!
which are the world's ugliest cookies, i might add.
you should have seen my maid laugh at them when they were baking in the oven.
but nonetheless we managed to salvage the dire situation haha.
but back to the topic, i was so happy in school.
i felt so... free.
it's something that i really miss, especially being out of school for so many months already.
and i miss danielle so much too!
rai came after lunch, so we went to slack at the boulder wall.
us three played spot the difference with dan's itouch while mel slept.
then i played with mel's psp before climbing with rai.
climbing was fun! haha rai's stupid route had to be edited so many times.
but i really enjoyed myself despite the heat and stuffiness of the boulder area.
after class dan came to hang around too, and then CCA fair started.
it was quite interesting, seeing j1s come and look at our demonstrations.
i felt a sense of deja vu... like last year's CCA fair was just yesterday.
after awhile the girls and i decided to walk around and tour the other CCA booths.
jingfang was helping to man the rocmoc booth and i was seriously amused by her.
SR's CCA fairs are seriously a chaotic experience.
nothing's changed, though, it was as noisy and crowded as last year.
when the fair ended we went to the gallery to support the soccer guys who had a match against dunman high.
tiff and i sang along the way to the gallery.
OMG i've finally found someone in SR to sing songs out loud with me.
its such a pity we didn't discover this hobby of ours earlier - we could've had so much more fun, especially in yangshuo!
but nonetheless the walk from the boulder wall to the gallery was immense fun. (:
amazingly i wasn't bored while watching the match..
maybe its because the guys were playing and i knew them.
so proud of lew, he kicked the ball away when it got too close to our goal for my comfort.
HAHA wth i'm such a soccer noob.
and i'm equally proud of jerome and anthony for playing too! hahah although it was for a short while but at least they went on field. (:
SR won 3-1, anyway and i loved screaming when they scored.
reminded me so much of my cedar days... screaming my encouragement from the stands in the national stadium during track nationals.
zomg that was almost 4 years ago! ):
the dunman high teacher was hilarious, though.
he kept swearing so explicitly that i won't post them here.
i could make out what he was swearing all the way from where i was seated!
then he came up to the gallery and sat behind us and tiff heard him continue to curse and swear.
i had to try really hard to stiffle my sniggers.
talk about being a good role model, man.
maybe that's why the youth of today are so screwed.
haha!
well i was supposed to go for dinner with dan, shu and junhong, but there wasn't enough time so i had to call for a raincheck.
sorry guys. ):
jingfang decided to be nice and stayed back after training to walk with us out of school - just like old days.
then i realised that it had been eons since we last walked out of school together at night!
like those days after training.. and we'd drag ourselves to the bubble tea shop before parting.
awww. ):
i couldn't bear to leave jingfang! hardly had any time with her.
ohwell, there's always a next time dear. (:
wednesday was such a welcome relief from all my troubles.
although on my way home they bubbled up to bring me back to reality.
but still, it was a good break.
and i was happy, even if it was just for a few hours.

come to think of it, it's been 2 years since i last celebrated valentine's day in school.
aw man i miss the craziness of the gift-giving and gift-receiving.
in cedar too!
i still remember in sec4 i had to lug all my presents to a tournament.
the sight was quite funny to behold too, because we all had so many flowers and presents to carry!
and i came to the conclusion that nobody celebrates valentine's day with so much enthusiasm and craziness as cedarians.
we were the only idiots with so many gifts lol.
well, this year, i'll be happily awaiting stories from my friends about who-gave-what and what gifts they received!
which is about the same as what i did last year since i had no school to celebrate in.
haha i'm really egg-cited for you, leng!! HAHA (;
and for anyone else who has a big date tomorrow with that special somebody. :DD
hehe, egg-citing. (:

honestly, i had wished that we were doing something tomorrow.
but that was before everything began.
wishful thinking on my part anyway ahwell.

i was told it wasn't meant to turn out this way.
which makes me wonder, then how was it meant to be?
and i'm left to think if only once again.

stupid new moon only made me think about us even more.
if only i could have it that easily, the way edward came back to bella.
then again it's such a soppy happy-ending novel.
it was bound to happen.
if only.

Jason Mraz calls I'm Yours a "happy little hippy song".
maybe that's why it's my favourite.
'cause i'm a happy little hippy.
okay but now 'happy' doesn't exactly apply to me but i still can't get enough of that song.
it makes me happy and sad at the same time.
coool.

I WANT THE REMIX HE SANG WITH BOB MARLEY!
rarhh.

didn't church today because i woke up late.
again.
i don't know what has happened to me.. like all of a sudden waking up at 9am is so hard for me.
ended up waking at 11am and got ready for service.
then my stupid brother thought i left without him and didn't get ready.
so in the end we went to j8 for lunch.
puay met us after that and we went to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons.
i swear, no movie has ever made my butt ache so much before.
its over 2 and a half hours long and i kept fidgeting in my seat.
i wouldn't exactly say it's oscar material, though.
the show was mediocre only, if you ask me.
and very draggy. i was waiting for it to end so i could leave.
haha Changeling is way better.
but brad pitt was such an eyecandy! especially when he got younger and younger. haha.
ohwell, there went my sunday afternoon.

there was this conversation in the movie between benjamin buttons and daisy.
what happened was a few years had passed when daisy had hurt benjamin's feelings. (or something like that) then daisy came back for a visit.
it went something like this...


after i heard that, i started crying.
i don't know, something in that conversation just struck me hard, and i felt so.. sad.
maybe i should never have said anything. maybe we'd still be talking now.
i was so touched, anyway, by that.
just wish it could apply to me.

well, a whole afternoon's worth of retail therapy didn't exactly lift my mood much yesterday.
due to.. reasons.
but i managed to get a new pair of jeans (yay), a few tops and some awesome cute boxers from cotton on.
felt bad for spending so much of my mum's money though.
when i got home i found out that you'd just left.
you're lucky, aren't you.
and so so good at avoiding me.
i'll give it to you.

ps-ed my brother and puay in the evening to go meet dear chris for dinner.
walked all the way to serangoon north ave 1 to eat, and i was wondering where danielle's house is.
we had a great time catching up with each others' lives.
as well as laughing like how we used to laugh in cedar. (:
on the way back to her house we visited a pasar malam.
stupid chris made us walk up and down dunno-how-many-times.
first to see pajamas, then to buy muah chee, then back to the pajamas to take pictures.
met a lovely cat after that! chris was positively terrified, that stupid loser. (:
hid under a tree to take pictures (chris' marvelous idea) and felt stupid after two buses drove past us.
finally reached her house and we settled at the dining table and proceeded to share our stories over muah chee.
haha it's almost poetic, isn't it.
then i realised how much i missed sharing my stuff with chris..
because she bothers to actually listen to what i have to say and contribute her thoughts and sympathise with me.
that's something specialy about her, i guess. other people i talk to normally just go "mm ahh" and then change the subject that revolves around themselves.
it's a nice change, anyway, from listening to other people's problems.
and i didn't mind listening to her's either. (:
i was so sad when it was time to leave..
MISS YOU CHRISSY-POO ILOVEYOU LOADS (:(:

back to work tomorrow!
yay mel and i can play shoot-shag-marry while scanning documents haha.
and then its back to school on wednesday! whoo!
so excited (:

you're obviously making things difficult for me.
i feel like giving up so much.
but if i do that's exactly what you want me to do.
so i won't.
and i'll persevere.

we
need
to talk.
the way you're letting things run is just plain downright senseless.
we need to sort things out.
once and for all.

last night was the first time in many many days that i actually felt truly happy.
even if is was for that brief period of time.
it nonetheless felt good, so so good.
its like i had forgotten how i felt before all this happened.

watched changeling with rai and tiff yesterday at 6.40pm..
had dinner with tiff first, while rai came later.
the movie's pretty good, no wonder it was nominated for an oscar.
it was quite funny during the show, though.
tiff and i were squirming during the icky parts lol.
after the show we went to take neoprints! and made a hell lotta noise while using the machines.
its been years since i last took neoprints, and it made me feel young again! haha wth.
it was hilarious, anyway, taking with them.
and they're both absolute neoprint noobs. tiff kept ruining the pictures she was editing by writing halfway when the time was up. haha wth again.
got a drink at BK after that, and proceeded to cam whore lol.
oh and not to mention laugh like hell at rai's funny neoprint faces.
then for some reason, we decided to walk from cineleisure all the way to plaza sing.
the walk wasn't as long as it seemed, probably because we were fooling around.
stopped by the istana park along the way to take more pictures!
first time i stepped into the park. it's actually quite nice!
especially at night. hardly anyone's there! which made it even nicer.
after that we departed and i went home.
got a lecture from my dad because i was late, but for the extra time i had with the girls, it was all worth it.
i really miss them, man.
us three useless idiots who only rot at home hahah.
rai, tiff! you two better get jobs okay!

speaking of which i'll be going back to work at my uncle's eye clinic, starting tomorrow.
which means that i won't have much of a life anymore.
not like i had one before i got the job anyway..
best thing is, mel's gonna be working with me!
my uncle agreed to let her work there too.
i'm so happy! finally i've got a friend with me.
my days working there will be so much better than last year's.
yay!

```

every night before i sleep, i reflect on my day.
and i think to myself, "there're so many things i want to tell you, so many things to share with you."
feeling lonely sucks. but its how i feel now.
somehow before i knew you, i never felt that way.
but now that we're not talking, this lonliness is overwhelming.
there's no one else i'd want to tell these stuff to but you.
that night i had 2 minutes to listen to your voice again.
after what felt like eternity of silence.
i was...
briefly happy.
i wonder if there's anything i do that'll change the way you think.
i'll do anything within my control, i swear.

'cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

attended the wake and church service of my dad's close friend's father yesterday and today..
got me thinking about a lot of things.
the thing about Christian funerals that i like, is that the atmosphere is so calm and serene.
because we have the blessed assurance that the person is with God.
and so people who come to pay tribute to the deceased, though mourning, can rejoice and be happy about the passing of life.
its that joy in grieving that i find so wonderful.
i also thought about how i'd want my funeral to be.
i certainly don't want it to be a sad affair, unless i died unexpectedly or something.
and i wonder how people will remember me, what my eulogies will be like.
would it be too inappropriate if my picture was one of me making a stupid face?
or at least i want to be smiling widely.
because i want people to remember me as someone who always smiled.
i think.
i wonder if people will say that i had touched their lives, that i had shown love and care to them in one way or another.
i also want to be remembered as one who was a faithful servant of the Lord.
i think that's the best thing that could ever be said of a person.
because then you know that he/she has really lived life to the fullest.
i want my life to be like that. but i have a long way more.
hopefully God will bless me with enough time to be one.
and i want happy songs to be played at my funeral!
not those sad mournful old hymns in the hymnal. those just make me cry.
well okay, maybe i could settle for one or two, but mostly i want the songs to be upbeat and happy.
no wreaths, because i think they're a waste of money that could have been donated to the church or charity.
and definately no peanuts and melon seeds at the wake.
my family and friends deserve better food lol.

after sitting next to the casket throughout the whole church service by myself,
i realised that actually... dead bodies aren't that scary.
because its just an empty shell, the remainder of what it used to be.
i mean, the soul of that person is in a far better place.
and especially seeing the make-up those morticians use on the deceased,
it makes the deceased look so fake, like a wax figure or something.
there's no life in it, no soul.
so yeah, its not that bad.

okay i'm not suicidal or anything just because i just talked about death and how i want my funeral to be like.
i was just being very contemplative.
especially since that day when we stopped keeping in contact.
you taught me to think more.
i don't know if that's a blessing or a curse but i'm definately more aware of my thoughts now.
just wish i could share them with you.
i miss that, the fellowship.
but i don't think i'll have the honour of experiencing that ever again.