What will it take
To get you to say that I'll try?

that's all i'm asking for right now.
those two words.
is it too much to ask?

do you have to lose a friend to gain one?
seems that way at this point in time.
or somewhat.
i lost him, i got you.
and i've lost you, and i got him.
thing is, losing you bothers me. very much.

ironically, we're so formal with each other now.
i want the casualness back in our conversations.
or what little conversations we have now.
it came so easily. and i want it back.

so much effort is put in to build up a relationship,
and so little is needed to break it apart.
if only it could be the other way.

i'm starting to find love songs really... depressing.
haha how ironic, aren't they supposed to be full of hope and promises?
if only i could believe in what they say again.
if only.

i also realise that life is full of 'if onlys'.
if only my life was more orthodox.
if only i could be special.
if only i knew what God plans for me.
if only love was so easy.
if only you thought otherwise.
if only i meant more.
if only i could be stronger.
if only i could have those three words spoken to me.
and if only i could believe it.

well, happy chinese new year to everyone.
festive mood apparently evaded me this year for some reasons unknown.
but i trudged along and went visiting and collected ang paos.
i think i get less as i grow up.
must be losing my cuteness, this is bad.
the cny snacks were but evil temptation to me, and i tried my best to avoid eating them.
there should be a ban against them, they're nothing but empty calories.
haha i sound so angsty.

jerome asked me recently how i manage to be so selfless, so happy.
truth is, i can't say for sure.
i didn't even know i'm selfless.
is it bad if i'm too selfless? too self-sacrificing?
because maybe that's why i find i can commit but you can't.
but back to the point, previously i would've said that i try to see a brighter side of every unfavourable situation.
which is true in a way.
but recent events have made me realise that it's all subjective.
i haven't been able to see a bright side to a particular problem.
and to think i got so down about it that i cried.
not once but a few times.
i'm losing my happy-go-lucky touch.
i need to find a reason to be truly happy again.

my heart keeps skipping a beat everytime my phone buzzes, wishing, hoping that it'd be you.
but it never is.
wish i'd stop being so stupid, so naive.
right now, i feel as if i'm only useful as a friend and nothing more.
i'm probably right.
that first text i got today got my hopes up.
then i realised that the checking in on me was probably because you wanted some songs.
stupid of me to think it was because you cared.
see, i'm only good as a friend.
i'm such a good friend.

and i hate it how almost everything i see, do or hear reminds me of you.
it's like, i can't get you out of my system.
i walk out the house, i think of you.
i look at my phone, i think of you.
i see the park, i think of you.
i think of starbucks, i think of you.
i see the stars, i think of you.
this sucks.
i'm turning PSYCHOTIC.
ever since things started getting worse, i found that i couldn't be truly happy.
not with those feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.
i hate this, i really do. :(

but whatever it is, i've made my decision.
i'll be here no matter what, waiting.
take as long as you need, it doesn't matter.
just know that i'll always be there for you.
sitting, waiting, wishing.

hello leng, this is for you.
after reading your latest post i realised something.
so read this, and feel touched.
haha do i sound egoistic? :P

I MISS YOU, LENG!! i miss being there for you, bringing joy and love to you, making you laugh with my stupid/silly/funny/retarded actions or expressions, or doing whatever it is that makes you laugh. i miss smiling all the time with you around! and being there when you need someone to talk to. i know i've said this before, but fact is, i still can't get around the fact that we're no longer schoolmates nor classmates. i still can't believe i can't be there whenever you need someone to rant or rave to. i can't share your joys or sorrows first-hand like i used to, and i can't share the sweat and tears of training as team members and doubles partners. i want the old times back, leng! so so very much. :(

haha omg this is so emo-mushy-and-whatever.
sweeleng be touched!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!
omg iloveyou loads!! xD

i ate an apple for breakfast today (:
i feel so healthy! (:
i think i should eat apples for breakfast everyday from now on. (:
an apple a day keeps the doctor away! (:

okay, wednesday was possibly the worst ever day of the year 2oo9 so far.
i was in such a bad mood right from the start of the day when i woke up.
i'd say it was because of the previous night.
but anyway i don't want to harp on it.
so yeah, it didn't help that i was dragged out of the house for lunch with some alumni from UTAS with my parents.
but i tried my best to put up a pleasant facade.
felt so so horrible. :(
ohwell at least the day's over.

then yesterday! omg yesterday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEROME CALEB ONG!
glad you like your present. (:
i love it too!! hahah. :D
anyway yeah, it was jerome's birthday yesterday so i went to school during his lunch break to give him his persent and 'cake'.
had to wake up at 8am in the morning to bake it ok! i was so so frazzled in the kitchen haha.
mel brought him to the boulder gym where rai and i were waiting.. then i gave him his present and 'cake'.
then ant came along with jason, i think, and i scolded him for not bringing tiff's water bottle.
haha stupid son.
oh, danielle came too!! omg i miss her. (:
dudley came soon after, but he just flopped on the mattress and ko-ed.
it was great seeing them again... and crapping away. haha but soon everyone had to leave because they had lessons.
and i was sad to see them go. :(
i wish i could spend more time with them! like back in yangshuo too, ohmy.
haha.
it felt weird walking into school as visitors in home clothes.
part of me was a bit sad that i was no longer part of the school.
ohwell haha at least i had tonnes of fun there. :D

left school with rai and tiff to go to yishun to climb!
like finally i'm climbing again.
it was funny, though, because all of us were so out-of-shape.
haha but it was fun climbing and finding routes to try and complete.
plus we took pictures! as usual. haha.
i think cam whoring with those two idiots is becoming a tradition everytime we go out.

miss kwa (from SR): hi rachel, may i know what class you are in? this is regarding the SRGCE photo competition.
me: i've withdrawn from the school, actually, but was in 1s27 last year! but may i know what exactly this is concerning?
miss kwa: oh, i was thinking of submitting one of your photos for the top3. but since you've withdrawn i can't anymore.
me: (HEART BREAKS) oh, okay then. thanks anyway.

yeap, i am so damn extremely sad.
finally i had a chance to win something, especially in a photo competition but NO I HAD ALREADY WITHDRAWN.
i wanted to cry, like seriously. :(
why can't they just put it in!
after all i was a student of the school when the picture was taken.
right?
right?
BOOHOO. :'(

after climbing i rushed home to cook spaghetti bolognaise for sab's surprise dinner!
ended up being quite late to meet her, and she even got quite pissed.
but ohwell at least we enjoyed ourselves after that.
sat at the playground opposite PP macs and ate under the stars!
it was reeeeally fun (:
then we took pictures and i sang her the birthday song!
and she ate her cupcake :D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KWANGSTER, YOU'RE EIGHTEEN! (:
love you loads.

am i even appreciated
just as or more than a friend?

i.
feel like shit now.

19 january 2oo9.
the day i withdrew from SRJC.
i'm finally free from singapore's lousy education system.
like omg i still can't belive it.
no more do i have to wake up at 530am and drag myself to school, sing the national anthem in assembly plazas, sing school songs during CT periods and wear a school uniform.
i think i'll miss those, though.
excluding the waking up at unearthly hours. that i can do without.
well, next up is australia's education system!
i hope its better than here.
it better be, i need to start achieving academically.

imissyou, danielle ong xing hong. ):
imissyou, raihanah bte abdul rahim. ):
imissyou, tan jing fang. ):
imissyou, tiffany ning xiu xian. ):
imissyou guys. ):
imissyou, boulder area. ):
imissyou, rockwall. ):

most of all, imissyou too.

the first week of school for 2oo9 is over! and i survived.
well technically it didn't take much to survive through this week, because it was pretty slack for us SP students.
in case you're wondering, SP stands of Spirit of the Phoenix.
its a 'cool' term the school uses to refer to us lovely bunch of, dare i say it, retainees.
haha ahwell.
first day! everyone was so surprised to see me in school.
quite a couple even thought i had already left for aussie!
hahah as if i'd leave without fanfare. :P
anyway it was great to see everyone again, i missed them!
the first day was just listening to teachers yakyakyak in LT4, and it was pretty boring.
but second day onwards we had CIP!
i belonged to the group going to IMH.
rai was in my group, yay! poor tiff was by herself in another group haha.
spent the remaining days of the week in IMH doing gardening, although i did batik on tuesday.
managed to interact with some of the outpatients in the Occupational Therapy ward.
it was really an eye-opening experience, getting to talk to them.
i found out that they're pretty normal, nothing too extreme.
its such a pity that the social stigma is attached so strongly to them just because they're patients there.
but yeah, i enjoyed my time there.

went for training on wednesday, with tiff and rai!
i had the truest intension of going running and doing my own PT, but somehow i ended up doing what i normally did at trainings - sit around and talk.
but i had fun in the process...
took pictures with amir and the girls, hahah amir is such a joke.
i'm gonna miss him.
edmond was spectacular, within the first 5 minutes of talking to him, the both of us were in stitches from laughing.
ahhh it felt good to see the team again.
left after debrief, bought bubble tea (yay!) and went to the playground to chat and cam whore, tiff, rai, fang and i!
we spent more than an hour there, and took over 200 pictures!
haha it was crazy, but awesome.

had cervical cancer vaccination on thursday, so didn't go to school.
before that my gynae aunt did a routine check-up for me and the experience for a first-timer like me was scary.
haha imagine having a nurse strip you and the gynae examine you.
i was positively freaking out.
luckily she was my aunt, i can't imagine going to a complete stranger! OMG.
well after that i had my jab, and it slightly painful only.
but now my right arm is hurting and i'm having difficulty moving it, ow.
it was quite fun, though, getting the injection.
i realised jabs are nothing to be afraid of.
in fact, i kind of like them!
the pain felt nice. :D
hahaha.

tiff and rai finally applied to poly on thursday too.
i'm just waiting for those two dopes to withdraw from school, so i can do so too.
hopefully monday. hehe.

i attended this talk organised by the MOH (ministry of health) yesterday about some scholarships that they give out for health sciences degrees.
the scholarships don't apply to me since they're for smart people with good 'A' level grades or poly people with good scores.
but i just went anyway to have a deeper insight of the Allied Health occupations.
it was such an eye-opener, i found out so much stuff about the different health science fields of study!
Allied Health occupations are like physiotherapists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, dieticians, nurses, podiatrists, diagnostic radiographers, radiologists and prothetists/orthotists.
basically a career in allied healthcare is a career dedicated to healing others.
and physio just happens to fall into that category.
i like it anyway, there's a nice ring to it. :D
managed to speak to a physiotherapist after the talk, and he studied in melbourne!
though not la trobe, but good enough.
asked him many questions, and he was really helpful in dispensing information about his career and education.
and i got so excited after that because i couldn't wait to start learning all the stuff!
hehee just thinking of it is making me excited now. :DD
oh and i met phoebe too! (:
well i hope that i can get the MOH scholoarship if i do well in my foundation studies...
not only is it rather prestigious, it'll be such a financial relief for my parents!
especially since the scholoarship covers tuition fees, airfare, allowance (book, clothing, computer, maintainence, clinical placement).
OMG I NEED TO STUDYSTUDYSTUDY HARD!!

ahhh two huge chem assignments to do by monday!
total of 31 questions.
this feeling of having assignments to do in so little time, i totally didn't miss at all.
haha ohwell, gotta get back down to earth now.
time to get into study mode again!

rachietan will study hard this year!
Amen!

haven't really had the inspiration to blog, but i guess i'll just force myself now.
since i don't have anything to do anyway.

school's starting soon.
for JCs, that is.
the secondary school kids have started their new school year already, and it feels odd to be viewing them from another perspective.
an older perspective.
i still can't get used to that feeling...
that feeling of no longer being a secondary school-er, or rather a Cedarian.
it makes me feel so much older! sigh.
speaking of which, sab and i went back to Cedar last saturday to get some CDs from mrgoh.
and it didn't feel as if i was ever part of that school.
which kind of saddened me, because i'd say that i had my best years of education there.
i think its mostly because its a different building.
i really hate it when my old schools are torn down and rebuilt.
totally sucks because whenever i go back, its not the same.
different building, different atmosphere. :(
oh, and i saw my juniors too! although now its only one level of juniors that i can recognise now.
funny thing was, i still saw them as the lil' sec ones!
they're sec 4 this year. haha.
and then it struck me how old i am now (again) and how fast time really flies.
seemed like just yesterday when i saw them for the first time at training.
next year onwards, if i go back to visit, i won't be able to recognise any student faces anymore.
how sad. :(
i'm becoming just another "old girl of the school".

well, as you can tell from the above paragraph, i'm very very bothered about the fact that i am turning eighteen this year.
yeap, you heard that right.
RACHELTAN IS EIGHTEEN THIS YEAR!
as a matter of fact, racheltan is turning eighteen in 1 month and 24 days' time.
let's face it, i'm an old hag. ):
it'll be only 2 years left of teenage-hood, how sad is that!
although the plus side of turning eighteen is that its legal for me to drink alcohol in public, smoke cigarettes (over my dead body) and learn to drive.
anyway all that aside, i hope it'll be a memorable birthday this year.
not because its the big eighteen where everybody parties with all the big hoo-hah,
but because it'll be before i leave for australia.
i don't know, i just want memories that'll help me through my loneliness there.
OMG I SOUND SO PATHETIC, STOP IT!
haha but yeah. whatever.

met up with an old friend for tea a few days back...
to catch up and find out about studying in melbourne, because she studied there for two years.
found out a lot of things, both about the place and about her as a person.
i really admire how strong her relationship with God is. i really do.
i wish i could be like that.
hearing her go on and on so passionately about God just made me feel so shameful...
because i have known God all my life and she only a few years, yet my walk with Him is no where near hers.
but anyway its very heartening to see her like that, and especially since she has found someone special who's exactly like that too.
and she told me how she and he would bring their Bibles everywhere they go, and whenever they feel like it they whip it out and do quiet time.
she's studying in London now, and she only met that guy 10 days before she left.
and still their relationship is so strong.
then i realised that its because of God.
they both glorify God in their relationship, and walk so so closely with Him, and that's exactly why their long distance relationship is working so well!
ahhh i really got to hand it to them.
well then it also got me thinking if i'd be able to handle something like that.
i really want to believe that i can, but i know that i'd be mostly relying on myself i think, and not on God.
plus, i'm not walking close to God in my everyday life anyway. which annoys me but i just can't seem to change!
maybe waiting out 5 years would be better.
but part of me wants to take up that challenge.
haha ohwell, its already been decided anyway. and i'm fine with it. (:

i never realised how much i love sitting in the playground at night talking about anything, everything.
especially if its with someone special.
its addictive, i think.
haha. (:

watched Ip Man today!
OMG ITS SO TOTALLY AWESOME.
Ip Man is so cool hahah.
makes me wanna learn wing chun.
but then again i wanted to learn muay thai after watching ong bak so...
whatever haha!
andand! ongback2 is now showing!
ahhhh mel quickly organise that outing!
i can't wait! :DD

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
it's the year of 2009!
a brand new year, hopefully filled with many new exciting experiences and oppotunities for us all.

watchnight service was meaningful last night!
it was like God was telling me something.
well, thanks to the service i felt more empowered to face the new year.
no matter what challenges, i'll face it.
and whatever opportunities, i'll take it.
(:

for auld lang syne, my dear.
for auld lang syne.