Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fly
Then I guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got

thanks, ben, for sharing this song with me.
and persisting that i listen to the lyrics.
because i realised that it applies to my life too,
especially since i'm at such a huge crossroad.
with life-changing decisions to make.

thing is, though, i am afraid to fly.
i suppose its because i'm afraid of falling and hitting the ground.
its awfully cowardly of me, yes i know.
but for someone who treasures security and stability in her life, i'm finding it really hard to take that first step.
sigh, i wish i could be more courageous.
more confident in God, too.
i'm lacking it so much!
i realised that all this while i haven't exactly been listening to Him, neither have i been letting Him direct me.
maybe that's why my life is so messed up right now.
hah, its hardly a Beautiful Mess.
that's such an oxymoron, by the way.. how can a mess be beautiful?
unless i'm missing out on something...
i haven't seen the end of the rabbit hole yet haha.

You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
well, technically speaking, this life IS the only one we've got.
God ain't gonna give us a second chance.
rarh, i just hate crossroads, don't you?
i really, really, really have absolutely no idea as to what to choose.
still.
gawd, i'm taking an awfully long time to decide.
and i'm still doing a lousy job of letting God lead me.
$%#@! darn.

Rachel Tan the Zoologist.
mygawd, i just love the ring to that.
i feel so stupid because being a vet wasn't what i wanted to be.
it was a zoologist.
i mixed up the two.
but thank God i realised it before i did anything stupid haha.
well, if that is the path i choose to take, it really will be "bye-bye/zai jian/(malay for goodbye)/indian for goodbye" Singapore and "G'day mate" to Aussie.
which is both exciting yet scary at the same time.
more of the latter, i must say.
I DON'T WANT TO GO OVERSEAS!
not by myself, anyway.
but then again, in life you gotta make sacrifices, and be strong.
Have to try
And you won't have to fail
see la.
how how howwww.
when i'm so hesitant to try.
gosh what happened to the confident racheltan i used to know!
obviously gone, that's for sure.
sigh.
i want the old rachietan back.

how does psychology sound?
if i do that, i'll be staying here (YES!) and going to ngee ann poly (double YES!)
and, sister will be with me in that course and school (make that triple and quadruple YES!)
what a tempting route, huh.
if i choose that, i will never be a zoologist.
though psychology is something i don't mind doing... and becoming a counsellor of sorts.
but then i'll be forsaking my dreams of working with animals, of studying them, of interacting with them.
ARGHHH I DON'T KNOW.
i really don't know.

someone help me.
please.