i'm starting to find love songs really... depressing.
haha how ironic, aren't they supposed to be full of hope and promises?
if only i could believe in what they say again.
if only.

i also realise that life is full of 'if onlys'.
if only my life was more orthodox.
if only i could be special.
if only i knew what God plans for me.
if only love was so easy.
if only you thought otherwise.
if only i meant more.
if only i could be stronger.
if only i could have those three words spoken to me.
and if only i could believe it.

well, happy chinese new year to everyone.
festive mood apparently evaded me this year for some reasons unknown.
but i trudged along and went visiting and collected ang paos.
i think i get less as i grow up.
must be losing my cuteness, this is bad.
the cny snacks were but evil temptation to me, and i tried my best to avoid eating them.
there should be a ban against them, they're nothing but empty calories.
haha i sound so angsty.

jerome asked me recently how i manage to be so selfless, so happy.
truth is, i can't say for sure.
i didn't even know i'm selfless.
is it bad if i'm too selfless? too self-sacrificing?
because maybe that's why i find i can commit but you can't.
but back to the point, previously i would've said that i try to see a brighter side of every unfavourable situation.
which is true in a way.
but recent events have made me realise that it's all subjective.
i haven't been able to see a bright side to a particular problem.
and to think i got so down about it that i cried.
not once but a few times.
i'm losing my happy-go-lucky touch.
i need to find a reason to be truly happy again.

my heart keeps skipping a beat everytime my phone buzzes, wishing, hoping that it'd be you.
but it never is.
wish i'd stop being so stupid, so naive.
right now, i feel as if i'm only useful as a friend and nothing more.
i'm probably right.
that first text i got today got my hopes up.
then i realised that the checking in on me was probably because you wanted some songs.
stupid of me to think it was because you cared.
see, i'm only good as a friend.
i'm such a good friend.

and i hate it how almost everything i see, do or hear reminds me of you.
it's like, i can't get you out of my system.
i walk out the house, i think of you.
i look at my phone, i think of you.
i see the park, i think of you.
i think of starbucks, i think of you.
i see the stars, i think of you.
this sucks.
i'm turning PSYCHOTIC.
ever since things started getting worse, i found that i couldn't be truly happy.
not with those feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.
i hate this, i really do. :(

but whatever it is, i've made my decision.
i'll be here no matter what, waiting.
take as long as you need, it doesn't matter.
just know that i'll always be there for you.
sitting, waiting, wishing.